


Lying Awake Counting My Mistakes

by ourfreewill



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe, Angst, COVID-19, Depression, Gen, Hurt TK Strand, Post-Season/Series 01, Relapse, mentioned relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28369989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourfreewill/pseuds/ourfreewill
Summary: In a post-season one AU, TK isn't coping with the struggles that a global pandemic brings.The worst of being alone was the crushing silences. He was left with his own thoughts for too long, trapped. The silence let him ruminate. His recurrent thoughts weren’t just COVID based, it was his dad’s diagnosis, Alex and the lasting effect he had on him, getting shot, and all the people he had seen die in front of him, most recently today, the woman with respiratory distress. It was too much, and he didn’t know how to cope with it, which lead him to both his favourite and most hated coping mechanism.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Kudos: 29





	Lying Awake Counting My Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> My first work for 9-1-1 lone star! I don’t know why I write the most depressing stuff when jumping into new fandoms, but here we are… enjoy haha
> 
> Title stolen from I lost a friend - Finneas [Youtube Link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mMVcCMO_Ng)  
> Doesn’t have much to do with the story but it’s a good song I was listening to while writing this

TK would have admitted this wasn’t his brightest idea. Whatever had possessed him to take technically stolen Vicodin at his police officer boyfriend’s home he didn’t know. Though, he supposed, it could have been the demon of lingering urges to relapse he had been carrying around since he left New York. Little thought went into it, not stopping when he arrived at the apartment to think it through. Only until there were three pills in the palm of his hand gravitating towards his mouth, and afterwards when he had washed them down with water from the tap did his brain catch up. The side of him with which came disappointment and dread. His face in the mirror was blank, but the thoughts felt like they were hitting the edges of his skull.

_ What did you do? _

Relapsed. He relapsed. It’s not quite as dramatic as his last one, but the crushing weight of regret was still hard as it pressed on his chest making him feel winded. 

The pandemic had hit everyone hard, no one was unaffected - he had seen it first hand. Initially, it wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t until the cases in Austin started rising that it really dawned on him. He had moved in with Carlos, and while they had been dating for months it felt rushed and panicked, a decision fuelled out of fear for his dad. The cases had started rising at an alarming pace in Texas, and nationally, the fear of getting the virus and passing it to his dad receiving chemotherapy for lung cancer became too much to ignore. They still worked together, but any way he could reduce the contact they had, he was going to take it. The decision to move in wasn’t all bad. TK would have admitted if he were left to himself in an apartment of his own, he probably would have relapsed sooner. 

The worst of being alone was the crushing silences. This week he and Carlos had managed to schedule their shifts to completely avoid each other. Accidentally giving them a break. Which would have been perfect, giving them a chance to breathe. But it left him with his own thoughts for too long, making him feel trapped. He tried to think what he could do, but places, although reopening, were too risky to him. He needed to minimise the risk of getting the virus. Carlos wouldn’t be back until the morning, which left TK alone in the silence.

The silence let him ruminate about the past, the future, and the present apocalypse the world seemed to be enduring. His recurrent thoughts weren’t just COVID based, it was his dad’s diagnosis, Alex and the lasting effect he had on him, getting shot, and all the people he had seen die in front of him, most recently today, the woman with respiratory distress. It was too much, and he didn’t know how to cope with it, which lead him to both his favourite and most hated coping mechanism. 

The Vicodin he had found in an apartment on fire. He had meant to be checking the bedroom for other people in the apartment while Judd and Marjan took care of the unconscious owner in the kitchen. The bottle had been sitting on the bedside table and would have been destroyed in the fire, he had debated in his mind for and against taking them. He would call it a strong wave of weakness that had possessed him to do this, but TK had snatched them and shoved them into his pocket. He knew that was the moment he fucked up, no one needed to tell him that. 

The pills got into his system and he started to feel himself lighten up. He’s less tense, the pounding of his heart lessens, and the guilt, it just slides off his shoulders. He wouldn’t call this a high because he still felt sad. Overwhelming sadness that he’s trapped in but can’t cry or scream or do anything. 

He left the bathroom, walking over to the bed and heavily rolled down into the place that had become his side of the bed. He wrapped himself up in the blankets and stared up at the ceiling. Nothing could break through his wall of numbness that he had succumbed to. It was better than the disappointment, anger and dread he had felt before but all of that was just replaced by dormant melancholy. 

TK wasn’t worried about the next day, or the outside world. He remained in his numb void, feeling absent from the current reality. 

**Author's Note:**

> So this was an interesting write. Just a big combination of feels from the first lockdown (I've been in technically four different lockdowns between Wales and England yikes). I fell into a very big depressive episode, something about being stuck inside just brought up lots of bad memories and feelings (who’d have thought lol).
> 
> I combined some stuff that I experienced, for example being scared of giving corona to my dad - I was housebound, could only leave the house in a car for like three months-ish. I knew of people actually leaving home because their family members had health problems, only seeing them through an open window on birthdays. 
> 
> Anyways, enough waffling about the depressing year we've all gone through haha. 
> 
> Stay safe x


End file.
